9 Songs

9 Songs DVD [2005]
Ok, before we get into this crap, let me just say that my absence from this blog has been due to me writing a novel. I have been spending most of my time working on that project and didn't want to break away from it. But seeing as though I am almost at the end, I took a night off and decided to do a review.

So, I'm guessing most of you already know about this film and all the controversy around it. Despite my best efforts not to give this a chance, I finally went against my prinicples and decided to do just that. What a waste of an hour and 6 minutes it was. And to think I have films like The Werckmeister Harmonies and Damnation sitting on my desk ready to be played. Bad choice on my part.

Hang on, what the fuck, I hear you cry - 66 minutes? Yeah, that's what I thought when I looked at the runtime. But honestly, this feature seems like 120 minutes; it's that tedious. The film takes just over an hour to show us the formation and dissolution of a one year relationship between two dull gig-goers. The girl, whatever her name was, is American, and acts as though her last film was I Love Cum 12. The guy, a Brit, has a face like chipped brickwork, and about as much screen presence.

Well, let's get down to the content. The whole 9 songs gimmick. And that's all it is really: a gimmick. One that gets old very quickly. The protagonists' life - mainly sexual - is interspersed with (thankfully) short performances by awful and uninteresting bands such as Franz Ferdinand, Elbow, Super Furry Animals, etc. But it's overdone, and you have to stop yourself reaching for the fast-forward button. But not that what lies between is any the more enthralling. If the pair aren't having sex, then they are sitting around eating, smoking, doing coke... but in scenes that last about 15 seconds. There is no substance to any of it, no atmosphere, no build up of emotions, nothing to make you give a shit.

Let's talk about the obvious thing: the sex. It's dull. And forced. The only words which come out of the girl's mouth are "fuck me" and "come inside me". Over and over again. At first we are teased with only brief glimpses of the fabled "real sex", but before long we get to see some actual hardcore action (although, admittedly, it still only lasts a matter of seconds). By the time we get to see him take a lick of her vagina, though, I was already bored out of my mind. The most explicit scene sees her sucking him off (really badly), and then there is a cut to her wanking semen out of his dick.

If you want real sex in a film, you'd be better off watching In The Realm Of The Senses. Even The Brown Bunny's whole blowjob scene was ten times more enthralling than this entire fucking film. But, come on, what's with this whole real sex thing anyway? I'll admit it, if used right, it can add something to a film, whether that is just blatant shock, actual eroticism, or even repulsion. If done right, it can truly add something. But this pile of junk doesn't tick any of those boxes. It purely exists in a work which shows us nothing we haven't seen before, and what's worse, doesn't even challenge or push boundaries. I might as well have taken out one of the pornos from under my bed. But that's not to say that this movie is porn, oh no, I have porn films with better plots than this. This movie is just fucking dire, full stop.

I couldn't care less about either of the two characters. Even if a film isn't aiming for character development, it surely must have something which sucks you in (not off) and keeps you interested for its duration. Even as pure asethetic viewing, this work is a terrible failure. If I was supposed to have garnered some kind of deep feelings regarding the pair's passionate relationship and their eventual parting, then I'm afraid I came out of it empty. It was all too fast and too boring. Maybe if Mr Winterbottom had spent more time creating some kind of emotion, or even chemistry, in his scenes, instead of cutting them short to feature more dross from The Black Rebel Motorcycle Club, this film could have been something decent.

Like I mentioned previously, if you want a film with constant real sex scenes througout, get ahold of In The Realm Of The Senses. At least that film has the ability to keep you glued to the screen with its atmosphere. Plus you even get ample time to get your dick out for a quick pounding during the blowjob scene, unlike this film. Honestly, why the fuck did the BBFC give 9 Songs an 18 certificate? It's fucking worthless. What artistic merit does it have? If I was on the board, I would have said fuck off, take this shit and throw it in the nearest toilet.

This film is only going to appeal to certain groups of people. Firstly, and obviously, those with an interest in the bands who perform on it. Secondly, those who are still hooked on buying films with real sex because either they don't have access to porn shops, or they are too young to discern between good films and utter garbage like this.

I would urge people to stay away from this. Don't fall into the trap of "Oh, it might not be as bad as all those Amazon buyer reviews, I'll give it a go". I wasted an hour of my life watching this fucking rubbish. Don't make the same mistake.
[0 out of 5]